Resignation Edit

Resignation can be found here: http://lokisarrow.tumblr.com/post/3373369409/resignation

Resignation Edit

Fabien might be surprised that there’s two edits here, but he’s confident enough in himself and his work that we’re pretty sure he won’t mind being used as an example for how we, ourselves, can screw up.  After we sent him our original edit and he got back to us, we realized where we had missed a couple of things and dropped a couple of balls.  We went back and revised our edit, but didn’t send it to him because we’re not really ones to beat dead horses.  That doesn’t mean that, as a group, we can’t all learn from the content editors screwing up. lol 

Resignation Edit 1

After convening and comparing our notes, we think that your story is about the following: Geoffrey is an old (or older) man who just discovered something world changing.  He brings this to the attention of the governmental big cheese, Peter, who would be in charge of dealing with the problem.  Peter stands to gain from not letting this get out into public knowledge.  He brings Geoffrey to meet him and, somehow, convinces Geoffrey to resign and hand over control to a person who will probably make a very good lackey for Peter.

With that summary in mind, this is our edit of the content.

Realistically, this could probably happen 150 or so years from now.  We already have hydrogen fuel cells.  They don’t work as well as they should,  but we do have them and it’s not going to take super long for them to become viable.  You don’t want the folks who geek on that all the time coming down on you for a seeming lack of research or sense of what’s actually happening in the fuels world.  You don't want quibbling about the science to take away from the overall message.  There will still be people who quibble because it's scifi and that's what they do, but it's good to minimize the chance for quibbling as much as possible.

Slang and changes in the world (because it’s the future or what have you) that aren’t outright explained or obvious from the context should not be included in a short story.  Two to three thousand words is not a world building environment.  It’s a get in, grab your target, get out alive environment.  This is not the time to get cute or clever or try to get a catch phrase out there.  If you can’t explain what two-two long or running the bread or such as that means within the scope of mentioning it then it needs to be cut.  Future tech terms that also can’t be obviously explained through context also needs to be cut.  If you think about it, things don’t really change that much in terminology.  We still have tablets.  They’re not rock anymore and we don’t chisel notes down in them with hammers, but we still have tablets.

Most people don’t care about the science of things.  They don’t need or want every little scientific detail there is to be had.  Geoffrey isn’t writing a scientific paper for the board (and you’re not writing this for that one Chemistry major that really really likes Chemistry).  He’s writing his old buddy and basically saying, “Hey, some weird shit happened with this hurricane.  We need to talk about it.”

In a short story, no one cares about the characters enough to want to sit through them reminiscing.  Think about it like this: You sit down on a park bench.  Some old dude sits next to you.  He starts nattering on about this and that and the other that happened eons ago in his life.  Do you really care?  Why should you care?  There is absolutely nothing that will make you care unless you just happen to be that type of person who likes hearing stories from old people.  Most people are not that type of person.  What’s more, it has nothing to do with the story.

The stuff about how we have a new fuel and that new fuel has a bad side effect is good.  That’s a great concept.  It’s lost in the natter.  If you have a point that you want to make about the environment or the corruption of government or what have you, it’s lost in the natter about Corinne and Roberta and Chucky.  They, ultimately, do not have roles.

These are the people who have roles: Geoffrey as the person who discovers the doom.  Peter as the bad guy who wants to cover up the doom for his own gain. Brian the potential lackey who may or may not end up working for Peter.  That’s it.  Those are your characters.  Those are the only names we really need to know, the only people we really need to meet.

Geoffrey needs to sound less doddering.  He’s the head of something pretty big.  He sounds like a fruit basket who can’t decide which fruit he is today.  We would not buy him as the head of anything or a scientist. Ever.  We also have trouble buying that someone in his position wouldn’t put together that Peter probably holds stock still in Woburn-T-World and wouldn’t want his product removed from paying customers.  That makes Geoffrey contacting Peter seem like career, if not, actual suicide (depending on how much money is involved).

Here’s our suggestion to help with that.  Geoffrey is less doddering.  He can still reminisce a little bit, but he needs to be much more professional because this thing is absolutely serious.  It’s the end of the world.  The reminiscing should be limited to Geoffrey kind of going, “Hey, remember when you were a good guy.” So that he can continue with saying that he discovered something about the products Peter’s former company makes.  Something pretty narly.  He’s writing Peter in hopes that, basically, Peter hasn’t gone over to the dark side and will work with him to do something about the doom before the doom destroys the world.  Peter writes back basically all chummy and “Of course I’m still a good guy!”  But then Geoffrey resigns because, turns out, Peter isn’t a good guy after all.  Or something like that.

Really try to reel in the tangents.  Keep them tight and focused on Geoffrey remembering Peter as a good guy who may have been ambitious, but not a glory hound or greedy person.  Watch the dialect a little.  They’re supposed to be American-ish?  Even something as simple as spelling color  “colour”  will distract from them being “American”.  Maybe expand on Brian a little more because he’s the only other character who really matters.  Make sure your acronyms line up with what they stand for.  NOAA doesn’t match anything and the UNA doesn’t really line up with the United Americas of the North.

We know that’s a lot and you’re probably like, “Oh my god I hate these people.”  But you have a really good idea and we really want it to come across in the powerful way it should.  If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask us.  If you want to yell at us, feel free to get it out.  But we’re not changing our edits. ;o)

One more thing: Read it out loud to yourself.  Or record yourself reading it.  Or have someone else read it to you.  If a story does not read aloud well, then it doesn't read well period.

Good luck!

Resignation Revised Edit

If we didn't have to finish this story (because we had agreed to edit it), we wouldn't have. We wouldn't have made it past the second page. Since your readers don't have to read your story, there's a very good chance that they simply wouldn't finish it.

As it was, we had to re-read it, and then look back through it several times as we tried to piece together what it was about. That process took us about 45 minutes. Again, your readers aren't going to do that. If they can't figure out what's going on right away (or at least within a few minutes), they won't try to, and they're certainly not going to seek out your other works.

With that in mind, we think that your story is about the following: Geoffrey is an old (or older) man who just discovered something world changing. He brings this to the attention of the governmental big cheese, Peter, who would be in charge of dealing with the problem. Peter stands to gain from not letting this get out into public knowledge. He brings Geoffrey to meet him and, somehow, convinces Geoffrey to resign and hand over control to a person who will probably make a very good lackey for Peter.

Realistically, this could probably happen 150 or so years from now, if not less. We already have hydrogen fuel cells. They don’t work as well as they should, but we do have them and it’s not going to take super long for them to become viable. And if the science actually says that it would take over 400 years for something like this to happen, then you don't have a story anymore, because as a society, we're not going to use fossil fuels for another 300 years, and once we make the switch to hydrogen (a change that is already in the works), we're not going to use that for 400 years, either. Capitalism won't even last that long. A story set more than 700 years in the future would have so many changes to the world, technology, and society as to be nearly unrecognizable.

Ultimately, the reason for the water increase is a MacGuffin. The MacGuffin doesn't have to make perfect sense, or any sense at all, it just has to exist as a means to drive the story. Most people don’t care about the science of things. They don’t need or want every little scientific detail there is to be had. Geoffrey isn’t writing a scientific paper for the board (and you’re not writing this for that one Chemistry major that really really likes Chemistry). He’s writing his old buddy and basically saying, “Hey, some weird shit happened with this hurricane. We need to talk about it.”

Slang and changes in the world (because it’s the future or whatever) that aren’t outright explained or obvious from the context should not be included in a short story. Two to three thousand words is not a world building environment. It’s a get in, grab your target, get out alive environment. This is not the time to get cute or clever or try to get a catch phrase out there. If you can’t explain what "two-two long" or "running the bread" or such as that means within the scope of mentioning it then it needs to be cut. Future tech terms that can’t be obviously explained through context also needs to be cut. If you think about it, things don’t really change that much in terminology. We still have tablets. They’re not rock anymore and we don’t chisel notes down in them with hammers, but we still have tablets. This again comes back to the concept that this needs to be set no more than 150 years in the future.

In a short story, no one cares about the characters enough to want to sit through them reminiscing. Think about it like this: You sit down on a park bench. Some old dude sits next to you. He starts nattering on about this and that and the other that happened eons ago in his life. Do you really care? Why should you care? There is absolutely nothing that will make you care unless you just happen to be that type of person who likes hearing stories from old people. Most people are not that type of person. What’s more, it has nothing to do with the story.

The stuff about how we have a new fuel and that new fuel has a bad side effect is good. It's a good concept, but it's completely lost in the natter and your execution fails to make the concept work. If you have a point that you want to make about the environment or the corruption of government or what have you, great, but it’s lost in the natter about Corinne and Roberta and Chucky. They, ultimately, do not have roles, no one cares about them besides you, and they should be cut.

These are the people who have roles: Geoffrey as the person who discovers the doom. Peter as the bad guy who wants to cover up the doom for his own gain. Brian as the potential lackey who may or may not end up working for Peter. That’s it. Those are your characters. Those are the only names we need to know, the only people we need to meet, the only people who matter.

Geoffrey needs to sound less doddering. He’s the head of something pretty big. He sounds like a fruit basket who can’t decide which fruit he is today. We would not buy him as the head of anything or a scientist, despite his scientific blathering. We also have trouble buying that someone in his position wouldn’t put together that Peter probably holds stock still in Woburn-T-World and wouldn’t want his product removed from paying customers. That makes Geoffrey contacting Peter seem like career, if not, actual suicide (depending on how much money is involved).

Geoffrey should be more professional. He can still reminisce a little bit, but he needs to be have his wits about him because this thing is absolutely serious. It’s literally the end of the world. The reminiscing should be limited to Geoffrey kind of going, “Hey, remember when you were a good guy?” So that he can continue with saying that he discovered something about the products Peter’s former company makes. Something pretty gnarly. He’s writing Peter in hopes that, basically, Peter hasn’t gone over to the dark side and will work with him to do something about the doom before the doom destroys the world. Peter writes back basically all chummy and “Of course I’m still a good guy!” But then Geoffrey resigns because, as it turns out, Peter isn’t a good guy after all. As it stands now, Geoffrey is just some old fool who clearly has no idea what he's talking about or even trying to do past getting himself killed, Peter is not at all sinister or even much of a character, and the ending leaves the reader questioning if Geoffrey actually resigned, was murdered, or just dropped dead from Alzheimer's. Since this is the major plot twist in your story, it cannot be vague, subtle, or unclear. It must be explicit, straightforward, and crystal clear.

Really try to reel in the tangents. Keep them tight and focused on Geoffrey remembering Peter as a good guy who may have been ambitious, but not a glory hound or greedy person. Watch the dialect. They’re supposed to be American-ish? Even something as simple as spelling color “colour” will distract from them being “American”. Maybe expand on Brian a little more because he’s the only other character who matters. Make sure your acronyms line up with what they stand for. NOAA doesn’t match anything and the UNA doesn’t really line up with the United Americas of the North.

One more thing: Read it out loud to yourself. Or record yourself reading it. Or have someone else read it to you. This story doesn't read aloud well currently, which means it doesn't read well, period. If English is not your first language, then you should re-write it into your native language and read it out loud that way.